- Jul 31, 2022
- 9 min read
Let me take you back to the year of 2016 when Callum and I fell pregnant with our first born Callaé
. Now it was some nerve racking news. But the moment I found out and I told my then boyfriend, he just looked at me and had a huge smile on his face across the room; I knew right then and there that I was going to be okay and that he was the right guy to have kids with. Pregnancy went as expected. As soon as I went into labour in October 2017, that's when trauma started to happen. I birthed Callaé via Emergency Caesarean losing one litre of blood, tired from over 15 hours of trying almost every other way to dilate without success, having a real hard recovery experience and then adapting to a new body.
Fast forward one year to October 2018, we fell pregnant with our second born, Irie. The first trimester was terrible. I remember having the worst morning sickness where I developed prenatal depression, to which no one but my husband knew of to this day. We were living in our own rental at the time. He worked mornings and I worked afternoons, so we barely got to see each other. It was a lonely time in that house, and you can imagine how hard it was to go through morning sickness whilst caring/ mothering your one year old baby. Now as a first time mum, you're trying to do your best at what you know because it's not easy birthing a baby and having it all together - because, you just don't. No matter how old your child is, every year you learn as they grow. Now I was lucky to birth Irie naturally, but boy oh boy it was a mission. Even though I had experienced birth with Callaé - doing it natural with Irie hurt ALOT, and I had no idea what I was in for. Nobody warned me about the placenta part which was a whole experience in itself. Recovery was much worse than it was with Callaé because my vagina had just pushed a whole 8pound 8ounce baby out and my body took it's merry old time to heal. I remember the clear pain of not being able to sit on my butt for over 2weeks and my pad feeling like sandpaper every single day of bleeding. Again, trauma!
So you can sort of see that my experiences with child birth hasn't been too kind and my husband and I have talked a lot about not wanting to experience that again anytime soon until we are certain we are ready to go through that again. Yes, my husband also has trauma from it as he was with me every.single.step of those experiences and he saw what my body and mind went through. One of many reasons why I love the guy on a whole other level!
Now I would say since having our Irie, we thought we were being very careful not to get pregnant. We thought wrong! We have been so busy all year, doing the most for everybody else, trying to fit friends in, trying to keep the kids busy, being busy at work, trying to get quality time in as a couple, going through family deaths and family health scares; 2022 has just not been it. I knew the signs were there, but I was so oblivious that I just carried on living my day to day routine. It wasn't until I started losing energy and getting nausea that I was like "hold on, when was my last period?". Now we're in late June and I know I didn't have it on my birthday in late May or on Irie's birthday early June. So I was like "oh no, I haven't had it since early May". That's when I knew we needed to get a test.
Yep, you know it. The test came back "Pregnant 3+ weeks". Callum and I discussed what that meant for us. I was one week into the morning sickness phase and I already felt the trauma coming back to me like how I was in my first trimester with Irie. In the end, our decision was based off of reality and the fact that we were just not ready for another baby. Merely because of my past pregnancy/birth experiences, and that we are happy putting our energy into the two we have now, and that we would like to accomplish a few more goals before extending our family. This was when we chose together that it was best we start our journey of going through an Abortion.
Abortion! Such a fragile topic. Why? Because it's not talked about enough! We had no idea where to start but to type it in the google search bar. I searched high and low for people with this experience so I could feel some sort of comfort knowing I wasn't alone. I was able to ring the closest provider to me and get the ball rolling. Now the actual process in itself took three to four weeks from the day I self referred myself - to when I got the surgical procedure done. That was the longest wait of my life. Keeping in mind I was suffering with morning sickness and could not eat a full meal for a whole month, so I was starving but couldn't hold anything down. I lived off oranges, and sugary lollies. I missed out on so many of my husband's yum dinners.
I tried so hard not to attach myself to this bubba knowing very well I'd be an emotional wreck once surgery day arrived. I had to get bloods done then book an ultrasound scan to see how many weeks i was (7weeks, 5days), then wait for the nurse to ring me back with the appointment day of surgery. Now, it was the day of surgery and my appointment was at 1pm. My husband went to work 3am that morning to be home by 11:30am. I got my boys up and dropped them off at kindy and told them "Nan is picking you up today, Mum and Dad will hopefully see you this afternoon. I have to go hospital". We tell our kids what's happening. All they understand is Mum has been sick for a long time and I'm going to the doctors to get better. From 9:30am - 11:30am, when I was all alone - that was when I let out all those emotions I avoided and kept hidden for a whole month. I just cried, and weeped, and stared out of my open-living lounge doors into the far mountain ranges. I knew I made the right choice for me - but I couldn't help but feel so much sadness that it had to be this way. I rung my husband at work knowing it was his break time and just cried to him. He offered to come home earlier but I said "no it's okay, I was thinking of going to get some sushi", my final meal before being Nil by Mouth till late that afternoon. So I popped down to our local sushi shop, came home to eat what I could and then go shower and prepare to head to the hospital.
What happened at the hospital? So my appointment text said to go to level B3 of the Elizabeth Rothwell Building, Reception B at 1pm. I signed myself in and then waited to be seen by a nurse. This was the first step to a long day. The nurse started off by saying sorry that we're here today (which I appreciated) and that she will help discuss what my day is going to look like. She went over what the surgery process looks like, if I'm still comfortable with the choice I made/ if I made this choice on my own and not forced by someone else, what contraception I was thinking of going on, and then the general questions about my health etc. She was really lovely and I felt well informed and comforted!
I was then seen by a councillor who went more in depth with why I made this decision and just helping to understand that I was okay and I wasn't going through it alone. Callum and I got to ask questions we had queries about and learn more about contraception. I've never liked the idea of stopping my menstrual flow by having things inserted in my arm or uterus, or taking pills on the regular. But after learning more about the different types of contraception, I was able to pick one. After all I had to so we wouldn't be back in this situation in the near future.
After that we waited nearly three hours for the surgery procedure. There were quite a few women and their partners going through the same thing that day so me and Callum knew we didn't have to be shy. I was third to last out of maybe 10 women. This was where we got to meet the lovely doctor who was performing the surgery. He confirmed again if I was happy with my choice, if I was familiar with how the process works, gave me pills to help start my uterus to do it's work, also gave me x2 "chill pills" which he called them so it would help with anxiety, some pain killers to help with the tummy cramping I would be feeling from those first lot of pills and also a pill to help stop nausea. He went off to start surgery on the first patient and Callum and I went into our personal waiting area where a nurse gave me my funky gown and socks to wear, did my blood pressure and then put a line in my arm for the anaesthetic to go in before surgery. At this point those chill pills kicked right in and I started feeling like I was on cloud-9 lol. My husband is such a clown, he kept my spirits up whilst we waited. We even ear-wigged on the couple next to us having a fat moan about how long they were waiting like ahhh sis we all been waiting, you should've kept your legs closed. Nah! Haha!
My turn came around and this was the only time my husband wasn't allowed to be present, which was in the theatre room. I gave him a kiss and then went with the nurse to the surgery room. I lay right at the end of the bed with my legs up in these leg holders/ warm blanket over me ready to go. The nurse inserted the local anaesthetic into my arm and then from there she comforted me whilst the doctor did the procedure. The process itself only took about 10mins, so very quick. There were also two other nurses in the room, so plenty of company. To keep my mind off what the doctor was doing, I was asking the nurses questions about their professions. It was quite comforting knowing that they are abortion supporters who volunteer to do the surgical termination process. Like, how terrible would it have been if a doctor or nurse that didn't support abortions be doing the surgery! The doctor let me know everything he was doing. I got emotional once I heard the suction happening. I knew then and there my baby wasn't with me anymore and my Callum wasn't there to comfort me. The doctor quickly went off to put baby's remains into a kete (bag) so I could take home to bury. I thanked them all for allowing me to have such a safe and comforting experience and was then taken back to my husband where he was waiting for me. He gave me a kiss and a cuddle and then we waited 30mins in recovery. I got to have a yummy ice block whilst we waited, got the line taken out of my arm, got changed into my clothes and then we were on our way home. It was after 10pm, my husband grabbed us some Burger King for dinner - too late to pick our kids up, we went straight home. That Burger King was the first full meal in a whole month I was able to eat without feeling nauseous. Absolutely divine I tell you! We sat in bed eating our dinner, meanwhile I'm crying at the same time at what I just went through. My kete with baby's remains sitting on top of my puku (tummy), I broke down crying with a mouth full of burger. Hubby being the best he just held me. At one point he had to put the kete away otherwise I'd have held it all night and wouldn't stop crying. We went to sleep and I woke up early feeling so much better. It was the best sleep I had had in a long time. I showered myself, waited for hubby to wake and then we decided to go get our boys ready for kindy who were at my parents.
Now, four days post surgery we have buried our bubba with its great-great Nana and Koro, knowing they'll be well looked after with it's whānau. Callaé and Irie know their baby is resting and even though Callum and I didn't continue the pregnancy, our baby is still very much part of our family and we will always acknowledge them in everything we do. So here's to our angel baby. Mum, Dad and brothers love you - mo ake tonu atu x